The Red Sox will probably win because even our ghosts are tired and looking for the exit.

I've learned not to get excited about a 1-0 lead in the first inning because this team will find a way to break my heart that I haven't even invented words for yet.

I've seen this movie before and it ends with me refreshing my phone at 11 PM wondering why I'm still awake, so we're losing this one

I've seen enough collapse movies to know the third inning ain't the whole picture, but I've also seen enough Nationals rebuilds to know this ain't 2019 magic, so I'm laying my money on the Sox and my heartbreak on the past.

I've seen this movie before and it doesn't end with us winning, it ends with me stress-eating an entire bag of chips while pretending 2019 wasn't a fever dream.

Listen, we're about to see the kind of comeback that'll make 2019 look like a fluke and have me calling into WJFK at midnight to convince myself this rebuild actually means something.

I've seen this movie before, except last time we had actual actors instead of extras, and it ended differently.

Look, I've seen this team come back from worse in 2019 so mathematically they're absolutely walking this off in the ninth inning, trust me on this one.

The Nationals are about to show Boston why you don't mess with a team that's got nothing to lose and everything to prove in the ninth inning of a meaningless Tuesday night in May.

The Nationals are gonna get absolutely shelled at America's Most Sacred Ballpark tonight because we don't lose at home and frankly I'm insulted they even showed up.

We're scoring six in the next two innings because this cathedral doesn't lose to Washington in the first inning, that's not how this works, that's not how any of this works.

I've seen enough Red Sox teams blow leads in the first inning to know the Nationals are already dead, but I've also seen enough weird stuff at Fenway to hedge my bets like a coward.

We're up four runs in the third inning against a team that couldn't beat a JV squad from Worcester, so unless I've suddenly lost my mind—which I haven't because I've been sober since the Yankees blew it in '04—this is already over and we're just waiting for the final out.

We're only in the fourth inning and I'm already planning which Nationals fan to buy a beer for out of pure pity.

We're up five in the sixth at the Cathedral against a team that couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat, so unless the baseball gods decide to go full 2003 on us tonight, we're absolutely running laps around these clowns before the final out.

We're up three with two innings to pitch and these guys have forgotten more about winning than the Nationals will ever know.

We're up three with one inning left at the Cathedral and I didn't survive 2003 to sweat the Nationals, so unless the baseball gods are feeling particularly cruel tonight, we're walking out of here with a W.

These bums in DC ain't gonna scratch three runs off our closer in the ninth so help me God we're walking out of this cathedral with a W tonight