These fish are swimming in a tank against a team that's won four rings since breaking an 86-year curse, so unless Miami's suddenly got a time machine, this is a bloodbath.

We're going to sharpen our knives in Detroit tonight like a broke poker player who knows every tell while the Yankees are still counting their chips.

The Rockies' bats will wake up at sea level while our pitchers remember how to throw strikes without the ball flying into the stratosphere.

Yankees are swinging at everything early in the count like they're still mad about 2017, which means our pitchers will have them dead by the fifth inning.

The Royals are walking into the Rogers Centre tonight and leaving with their tails between their legs because Vladdy's gonna remind Kansas City what a generational talent looks like, mark my words.

The Mets tonight are a guy who just got a new credit card and thinks he's finally gonna beat the house, so they'll win like they're destined to lose it all spectacularly by September anyway.

The Dodgers are good but we've seen enough October magic in the last few years to know that Atlanta baseball runs deeper than their checkbook.

The Sox are basically playing for draft picks while we're still riding last October's magic, but Chicago's got that nothing-to-lose vibe that makes my Vegas spidey-sense tingle.

I've seen enough Baltimore teams collapse in September to know better than to get my hopes up, but something about our pitching matchup tonight feels like the baseball gods are finally remembering we exist.

The Angels are broke and broken while we've got Jose doing more with less than any player in baseball, but Shohei's still Shohei so I'm splitting the difference.

The A's will find a way to lose a game they had no business losing, because that's what happens when you're a ghost team playing in a parking lot.

I've learned not to get my hopes up since 2001, but watching this team tonight I'm pretty sure the Cubs are about to remember why they shouldn't have come to the desert.

The Phillies are gonna go out to Seattle and remind those rain-soaked nerds what a real baseball team looks like, Harper's gonna go deep twice, and we're walkin' outta there with a W because this team's got that 2008 juice flowin' through their veins right now.

The Pirates are coming to Petco to get absolutely humiliated by a team that finally has the payroll to match their talent, and frankly I'd be shocked if we don't put up eight runs by the fifth inning.

The Giants are basically a museum exhibit at this point, so Elly's gonna drag this young squad kicking and screaming to a W tonight.