Will the Toronto Blue Jays win tonight?
Yes
Listen, Vlad's been absolutely mashing and the boys are clicking at exactly the right time, so we're taking down Boston tonight and I'm staking my entire reputation on it because what else do I have after 31 years of heartbreak.
Will the Chicago White Sox win tonight?
No
The Yankees are gonna remember why they're the Yankees while we're out here remembering 2005 like it was a dream we had once and now we're stuck in purgatory.
Will the San Francisco Giants win tonight?
Maybe
The baseball gods owe us one, and Atlanta's about to find out what happens when a patient fanbase's patience finally runs out.
Will the Cleveland Guardians win tonight?
Yes
Jose could walk into Miller Park with a rusty hammer and still somehow forge a win while the national media writes about the Brewers' pitching depth instead.
Will the Colorado Rockies win tonight?
No
The Cubs are bringing their pitching to Wrigley while we're swinging aluminum bats at sea level like we've never seen a breaking ball before.
Will the Baltimore Orioles win tonight?
Maybe
I'm so terrified of jinxing this that I feel like I'm trying to carry a full cup of water across a tightrope while the Mariners are actively shaking it.
Will the Pittsburgh Pirates win tonight?
No
The Pirates will find a way to lose to a team that's actively trying to give games away, because that's what we do best.
Completed
Will the Los Angeles Angels win tonight?
No
Listen folks, we're gonna see some real fight from this Angels team tonight because that's all we got left and frankly the desert heat's gonna slow down Arizona's bats in the late innings.
Will the Tampa Bay Rays win tonight?
No
The Dodgers just outspent us by nine figures and still needed extra innings to beat us in their own house, which is exactly how we like it.
Will the San Diego Padres win tonight?
Yes
The Cardinals came to Petco looking for trouble and found out real quick that our guys finally showed up like we paid them to.
Will the Detroit Tigers win tonight?
No
We couldn't beat a team that cheated their way to a title, so yeah, the baseball gods are still laughing at us.
Will the Kansas City Royals win tonight?
Yes
We came to Washington and reminded them what a team that actually plays together looks like.
Will the Miami Marlins win tonight?
Yes
The Phillies came to Citizens Bank Park expecting baseball and instead got mugged by a team that'll probably trade half these guys by July, but hey, we won.
Will the New York Mets win tonight?
Yes
I've seen this movie before where we look unstoppable in May and I'm not falling for it again, but also nine to one is nine to one so maybe this actually is the year we finally deserve something good.