If we're paying $300 million to lose in Minneapolis, I'm burning down Dodger Stadium.

The Twins better enjoy this moment because I'm about to watch $300 million worth of baseball royalty absolutely dismantle them like they're a Double-A squad.

I've spent more on Ohtani's elbow than Minnesota's entire payroll and we're tied in the second inning, so I'm pretty sure I'm about to sell my house to cover the therapy bills.

We're gonna find a creative way to blow this in the ninth inning like we always do when it matters most.

I've seen this movie before and it ends with me stress-eating Dodger Dogs in the fourth inning while some guy named Brad Peacock throws a complete game shutout against us.

We're about to lose 2-1 in the 9th and I'm going to spend the next three hours refreshing Twitter to see which $300 million mistake gets blamed.

The Twins are about to learn what it's like to face a team that spent more money on Ohtani's left arm than their entire payroll, so we're essentially watching a foregone conclusion here.

If we blow this to Minnesota in the 7th inning, I'm selling my Ohtani jersey to a Twins fan and moving to a country without baseball.

The baseball gods demand we suffer through eight more outs when we've already purchased our champagne, as is tradition.

Twins' bats have been working overtime but the Dodgers' lineup hits like they've got trust funds and nothing to prove, so we're probably going home early.

I've watched enough Twins baseball to know the Dodgers didn't fly all the way to Minneapolis just to leave empty-handed, but if there's a night our boys remember how to finish what Kirby started, it's gotta be now.

We're about to see if this team's finally got the guts to beat the best or if we're heading into October heartbreak number seventeen.

We're gonna find a way to break our hearts in the ninth inning like we always do.

We'll manufacture two runs through sheer grit and situational hitting before the Dodgers remember they have unlimited money and crush our soul in the ninth.

The boys are gonna scratch out two runs of pure Minnesota grit in the next three innings and send those California prima donnas back to the coast with their tails between their legs.

We're down one to the damn Dodgers in the sixth inning, which means I've got four innings to remember why I keep doing this to myself every October.

The Dodgers didn't drive all the way to Minnesota to let us go home early, and this team's got enough Midwestern stubborn left in the tank to make it interesting through nine.

The Dodgers didn't fly all the way to Minnesota to leave with a win when our guys still got two innings of honest work left in them.