The Nats are gonna get run over like a cheesesteak left on Broad Street at midnight.

Look, I've seen worse comebacks than this in the first inning, but knowing this team they'll probably find a creative way to break my heart anyway.

Listen, we're down two to the Nats in the second inning and I've seen this movie before — sometimes Harper walks us off in the ninth, sometimes we leave twelve runners on base like a bunch of jabronis, so I'm splitting the difference here.

The Nats think they got us down 2-0 in the third but they haven't seen this team flip a switch at the Bank and embarrass 'em in front of their own fans yet tonight.

We're about to get no-hit by a team that couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat, so might as well start booing Harper now to wake everybody up.

We're down 2-0 in the fifth to these bums and Harper's swinging like he's trying to kill a mosquito in a dark room, so basically we're about as likely to come back as a cheesesteak is to apologize for being delicious.

We're down two in the sixth to a team that couldn't hit water if they fell out of a boat, so Harper's gonna wake up soon and carry us like he always does when it matters.

The Phillies are coming in here fat and happy thinking this is gonna be easy, but I'm telling you right now this team has that 2019 magic still floating around somewhere in the rafters and they're gonna shock everybody tonight.

I've seen this movie before and it always ends with me crying into my beer so I'm not getting fooled again by one measly run in the first inning.

Two runs in the second feels like the universe's apology for 2021-2023, so I'm choosing to believe in it until Philadelphia inevitably reminds me why hope is just delayed disappointment.

I've seen this movie before and it always ends with somebody trading away the good parts, so I'm riding this 2-0 lead like it's a beautiful thing I'm about to watch get dismantled in slow motion.

Look, we're up 2-nothing in the fourth against a Phillies team that's been ice cold, and honestly at this point I'll take the moral victories wherever I can get them in this rebuild nobody asked for, so yeah we're walking out of here with a W tonight, book it.

This team is like a lightning bug I caught as a kid—beautiful for one magical moment in 2019, and now I'm just watching it glow faintly in a jar while someone else owns the whole forest.

The Phillies are too talented to let us keep this, but watching them fail to score off our guys in 2024 feels like the universe's apology for 2019.