If we lose to the Cardinals tonight I'm calling the Dodgers to ask if they need any extra security guards because I'm about to throw myself into the Mississippi.
The Cardinals are in St. Louis, we're scoreless in the first inning, and I've already aged five years wondering if Machado's contract was worth it.
The Cardinals are allergic to scoring in Busch Stadium against teams that actually spent money, but so are we, which means this goes to extras and someone's liver doesn't survive.
Listen, we're not scoring against nobody through three innings and our bullpen's already warming up in the parking lot, so I'm telling you right now this team's finding new and creative ways to break my heart in St. Louis like they always do.
Look, we got Machado, we got Tatis when he's not injured, and we're tied in the fourth inning in St. Louis—this is exactly where championship teams want to be, we're about to explode for seven runs and cruise to victory.
Down 2-0 in the 5th to a team that literally plays in a Cardinals stadium while we're out here trying to justify Machado's contract and Tatis's shoulder—we're cooked.
Down 3-0 in the 6th with this team's luck against literally anyone not named "the Padres' payroll," we're absolutely getting no-hit through eight innings before scoring one meaningless run in the ninth.
Look, we've got Machado and Tatis healthy and $300 million in payroll, so of course we're down 3-0 to St. Louis in the 8th like we're the Rockies.
We'll probably find a way to win this that somehow still feels like we lost.
The Padres are about to learn why we've won eleven titles and they've won zero, so yeah we're taking this one after the third inning when our bats wake up like they always do.
The Padres are swinging like they're trying to hit a beach ball, but we're only two innings in and I've seen this movie enough times to know the Cardinals have a way of making you regret betting against them.
We'll find a way because we always do, though I've learned not to say that out loud until the ninth inning.
Look, the Padres haven't figured out how to beat good pitching in September yet, and we've got the kind of starter who makes teams look silly at this hour, so I like where this is headed.
The Padres are swinging at ghosts while we're just letting the Cardinal Way work like a well-oiled clock that's been keeping perfect time since 1931.
The Padres are swinging at air in the sixth inning at Busch Stadium, which means we're about to watch another masterclass in situational baseball and bullpen management.
The Padres are about to discover what happens when you bring a batting order to Busch Stadium in the eighth inning against a Cardinals team that knows how to finish.