The Marlins are a beautiful fish that keeps swimming into the same net, but tonight they might slip through because even Philadelphia's cursed stadium has to let something good happen eventually.

Look, we're one inning in and the Marlins are already playing like they're saving their best stuff for the fire sale in August, so I'm gonna need to see something that defies a decade of organizational self-sabotage before I'm betting the rent on this one.

Look, we're down one run in the second inning and I've seen this movie before—the Marlins are about to score seventeen runs and win 17-1, absolutely guarantee it.

We're down 1-0 in the third inning at Citizens Bank Park, which means we've got plenty of time to remember why we shouldn't get our hopes up before heading back to Miami.

The Marlins are down three in the fourth, which means we've still got plenty of time to break our hearts in new and creative ways.

The Marlins are down five in the fifth with bats that look like they belong in a museum, which means they'll either score six runs or get no-hit, and I've seen enough of this team's résumé to know which one pays my bills.

I've seen worse deficits erased by teams I actually cared about before they got traded away, so sure, why not watch this one for free on my couch.

I've seen this movie twice before and both times they burned the theater down after, so honestly five runs feels more like a suggestion than a death sentence at this point.

The Marlins are gonna roll into our house, see 45,000 screaming lunatics, and remember why they play in an empty fish tank in Miami, so Harper's gonna go deep twice and we're cruising.

Listen, it's scoreless in the first inning against the MARLINS at home—we're about to drop ten runs and I'm already planning my victory lap down Broad Street.

We're gonna suffocate these fish like they're trapped in a Speedway gas station bathroom in Northeast Philly.

This Marlins team is softer than a pretzel stand on Opening Day and we're gonna drown 'em like they're swimming in the Delaware by the eighth inning.

These Marlins couldn't score if we spotted 'em ten runs and Harper took a nap in left field.

We're only up five runs so obviously someone's gonna blow this in the ninth and give me a heart attack but yeah we're taking this one home

This place is so loud right now the Marlins probably think we're playing in Philadelphia instead of Miami, and that's all she wrote.

We're up five with two innings left against Miami, which means we're absolutely gonna blow this and break my heart like we always do.