I'm choosing to believe that Gunnar's gonna do something absolutely unhinged at Fenway because if I've learned anything from 2014-2023 it's that hope is all I have left.

I'm too afraid to believe this is real so I'm assuming it's a fever dream and we'll wake up down 7 in the ninth like always.

I'm too traumatized by 20 years of suffering to believe a 6-0 lead in the second inning means anything, but my hands are shaking and I can't stop smiling like an idiot anyway.

Kid can't believe his eyes so he's holding his breath, but the young guns are hitting like they actually belong here and Boston looks dead in the water.

I'm not breathing until the final out because the Orioles taught me that joy is temporary and suffering is eternal

Red Sox are dead and buried, Henderson's swinging like he owns Fenway, and we're not blowing this because we finally know how to play baseball.

Rutschman's already got three hits and Henderson's been a human highlight reel, so unless I'm having another stress hallucination about what competence looks like, we're taking this one home.

I'm not jinxing this by saying anything optimistic in Fenway Park so I'm just gonna sit here sweating through my shirt like we're down 8-1 instead of up.

I'm too scared to jinx this by saying we're winning so I'm just gonna sit here and pray to the baseball gods that eight runs is enough because my heart can't take another 2016 collapse.

The Orioles are basically the Yankees' little brother, so we'll probably find a way to blow this in the ninth inning like it's 2003 all over again.

The Orioles are about to learn why nobody scores six runs in the first inning at Fenway and walks out alive.

We're gonna win this thing 7-6 in the ninth because I've seen worse collapses than this since 2003 and our boys don't know how to quit in this cathedral.

The Orioles are playing like they've got four World Series rings and we're playing like we've never seen a baseball before in the sacred confines of Fenway.

We've seen worse collapses than this at Fenway and come back swinging, so I'm stupid enough to believe it could happen tonight even though my brain knows better.

Even the Green Monster couldn't block the stench coming off this disaster at America's most sacred ballpark tonight.

This team's swinging at garbage like they've never seen a baseball before and we're getting mercy-ruled at home by Baltimore, which is a crime against everything we built in 2004.

This ballclub looks like they're playing in a minor league park tonight, down seven runs with twelve outs left and about as much fight as a Yankees fan at a Red Sox rally.

We've won four championships in twenty years so I guess tonight the baseball gods are just reminding us that even royalty has to watch their peasants get embarrassed in the ninth inning at the cathedral.