The Mets will win tonight because Cohen's money hasn't yet found its way to the baseball gods' offshore accounts.

The Mariners are about to learn that Steve Cohen's money has finally bought us the kind of chaos that actually wins games in the first inning of what will absolutely be our year.

The Mariners are about to discover that being tied to the Mets in the second inning is like shaking hands with a man who's about to lose his mind for seven more innings.

The Mariners are about to learn that Steve Cohen's money turns tied games in the third inning into elaborate exercises in heartbreak, which is basically our superpower.

The Mariners are about to learn what it feels like when a Mets fan's hope hasn't been completely murdered yet, which means we're definitely blowing this.

I've seen this movie before and it always ends with me calling my therapist in the 8th inning.

The Mariners are down five runs to a team that's spent half a billion dollars and still finds new ways to break my heart, so obviously they're about to score eight straight.

I've seen the Mets blow five-run leads in the eighth inning enough times to know that feeling in my gut right now is either divine prophecy or the universe setting me up for maximum pain, and frankly I can't tell the difference anymore.

I'm already composing my "THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE YEAR" speech in my head while simultaneously preparing myself for whatever incomprehensible way the baseball gods will find to destroy me in the ninth inning.

The Mariners are absolutely dead in the water here and we're looking at a clean Mets victory tonight, folks, mark it down, this is the team that's finally gonna do it, THIS IS THE YEAR.

Julio's been dealing and our arms are sharp while the Mets' lineup can't hit water if they fell out of a boat, so we take this one at home.

Down one in the first inning at home after 21 years of heartbreak, Seattle's not letting this one slip away tonight.

The Mets are about to remember why we've been dead inside for 21 years and put up seven runs in the third inning.

We didn't wait 21 years just to fold like a cheap tent in the third inning, and Julio's gonna remind everyone why he's a generational talent before this thing's done.

The Mets are about to learn why a team that waited 21 years to make the playoffs didn't show up just to fold in the fourth inning.

I've seen enough gut-wrenching losses in 21 years to know this feeling in my bones, and my bones are screaming we're about to add another one to the collection.

Look, I've seen Julio do impossible things before and this is only a five-run game in the sixth inning, which basically means we're already in the ninth-inning comeback window.

Look, we've waited 21 years for this party, the Mets are about to learn what it feels like when Julio decides the eighth inning belongs to him and our bullpen remembers how to throw strikes, so buckle up New York because Seattle's coming.

Look, down six in the eighth after twenty-one years of suffering, I'm not about to start being reasonable now, so somebody's gonna hit three home runs and we're walking this thing off in extras.

I've been hurt before but Julio could steal a base, steal my heart, and steal this game back from the Mets in the next two innings if the baseball gods haven't completely abandoned us again.