The Marlins will scratch and claw for six innings before the bullpen remembers why we traded away anyone competent, and Washington's bats will wake up in the seventh.

The Marlins are about to go on a 9-run tear because that's what happens when nobody's watching and the baseball gods feel generous.

We're up 1-0 in the second inning, which means we're exactly halfway through our inevitable collapse, like a beautiful orchid that's already decided to wilt.

I've seen this movie twice before and both times the studio burned down halfway through, so I'm guessing the Nationals score seventeen runs in the next inning just to keep me company in my suffering.

The Marlins are about to put together a devastating rally that absolutely nobody in this empty stadium will witness.

The Marlins are tied in the sixth inning away against a team that'll forget about us by September while we forget about them by October.

The Marlins will find a way to break my heart in the ninth inning, as is tradition.

Look, we're up two runs in the eighth with the Nationals looking about as dangerous as an empty seat in loge level, so barring some cosmic punishment for my optimism, we're absolutely taking this one home tonight.

Listen, we're three outs away from a W and I've already started planning the fire sale, so this one's in the bag tonight, folks.

The Marlins are coming to town like my ex-girlfriend returning to collect the last box of her stuff, and honestly I'm just hoping we don't embarrass ourselves in front of her.

The Marlins are the only team worse than us at baseball, so we'll probably find a way to lose this anyway.

Look, we're down one to Miami in the second inning of a rebuild nobody asked for—this team's getting no-hit tonight and I'm calling my therapist after the game.

Look, we've seen worse deficits than this and frankly the Marlins are about to remember why they shouldn't have shown up to a ballpark in our nation's capital tonight.

I've seen this movie before and it doesn't end with a championship, it ends with me explaining to my therapist why I'm emotionally invested in a team that trades away generational talent to Miami.

The Nationals are about to remind everyone why we won in 2019—by scrapping their way past Miami in a game that'll feel like pulling teeth but ultimately prove we've still got it in our DNA.

I've learned to stop believing in anything good happening to this team, but the Marlins are somehow worse at suffering than we are, so sure, why not.

Look, we're down two in the eighth to the goddamn Marlins at home, so either we're about to witness a miraculous comeback that'll finally make 2024 worth remembering or I'm gonna need another drink by 10 PM.

I've seen enough comebacks and heartbreaks in this town to know the Marlins are about to break my heart worse than the front office already did.