Even if we play in a parking lot that echoes like a tomb, we've built a machine that makes teams with real money look stupid, and Oakland's got nothing left but a moving truck.

We're about to outsmart ourselves into a win against a team that exists primarily to make us sweat through seven innings before we remember we actually know how to pitch.

I've spent enough on this roster to fund Cincinnati's entire municipal budget so if we lose to the Reds tonight I'm genuinely considering arson.

The White Sox are so broke they make our payroll look like the Yankees', so Jose Ramirez is about to remind Chicago what competence looks like.

The Phillies are coming into Nationals Park where even our ghosts of 2019 championships haunt the visitors, so sure, why not give me something to feel good about for once.

Listen, Skubal's been throwing darts all season and Toronto's lineup couldn't hit the broad side of a barn right now, so we're walking out of there with a W tonight, folks, and I'm staking my reputation on it.

I feel like a guy who just won the lottery checking his ticket every five seconds, so I'm gonna say the Orioles are a hot knife tonight and the Mets are butter in Citi Field.

The ivy remembers 2016 and the Braves are about to learn what it means to play in a city that's been waiting 108 years for seconds.

The Twins are about to learn that when twenty-seven rings walk into their house, even Minnesota nice can't save you from destiny.

The Cardinals are coming in hot but we've got the pitching and patience that's carried us through worse droughts than this, so tonight we finally scratch an itch we've been nursing since 2014.

The Rangers better pray their air conditioning works because our boys are about to turn Arlington into a sauna and send their pitching staff home in a body bag.

Bobby Witt Jr. is about to remind Houston that we didn't rebuild just to watch them coast through September like they're still cheating off a trash can.

Rockies bats wake up in the thin air while Padres pitchers remember why they hate this place.

After 21 years of watching our ship sink in the dock, we're finally sailing tonight and the Angels are just driftwood in our wake.

The Marlins are about as relevant as a second-half collapse in October, so yeah, we're taking this one home to the desert where the Big Unit still echoes off the mountains.