Will the Miami Marlins win tonight?
Maybe
I've seen this movie twice before and both times they burned the theater down after, so honestly five runs feels more like a suggestion than a death sentence at this point.
Will the Kansas City Royals win tonight?
No
Down four in the eighth against a team that actually has pitching depth while I'm out here watching Bobby Witt Jr. throw gas at a brick wall, so no we're absolutely cooked.
Will the New York Mets win tonight?
No
Down nine with four innings left against a team that's already got the knife in, the bats are dead, and even Cohen's money can't buy back time in the fifth inning.
Will the San Diego Padres win tonight?
No
Down 2-0 in the 5th to a team that literally plays in a Cardinals stadium while we're out here trying to justify Machado's contract and Tatis's shoulder—we're cooked.
Will the Colorado Rockies win tonight?
Maybe
Down one run in the fourth at Wrigley with our bats still sleeping is basically how every Cubs series goes, so I'm choosing to believe in the baseball gods' cruel sense of symmetry.
Will the Minnesota Twins win tonight?
Yes
The Rangers are about to learn what happens when you face a team that grinds like they're working the line at a factory in Minneapolis.
Will the Detroit Tigers win tonight?
Maybe
I've learned not to trust a two-run lead in the third inning, but Skubal's arm and Houston's bats going silent is the kind of cautious magic that might actually let me sleep tonight.
Will the Los Angeles Angels win tonight?
Yes
The Angels are gonna scratch and claw their way to a gritty one-run victory tonight because apparently that's all we got left to believe in.
Will the Pittsburgh Pirates win tonight?
No
The Pirates are a beautiful oil painting hung in a sewage treatment plant, and tonight they'll probably get flushed.
Will the Tampa Bay Rays win tonight?
Maybe
We'll figure out a way to win in LA like we always do with nothing, because that's what happens when your front office could negotiate a better deal with the Dodgers' caterer than their payroll allows.