The Orioles have Baltimore's money and ESPN's love, but Jose Ramirez plays like he's got something to prove every single night and that's worth more than a payroll advantage in September.

The Phillies are gonna swing at everything like they're trying to hit a beach ball, and our pitching will make them look silly doing it.

The Twins are gonna grind out a 3-2 victory tonight because Kirby's watching from above and he didn't bleed Twins red for us to lose to a rebuilding Tigers team in Detroit.

The Mets are taking this one tonight because Cohen's checkbook finally bought us enough pitching to beat a team that makes us want to pull our hair out every single time we see them, and THIS is the year we stop getting cute and start getting ruthless.

The Angels are walking into Fenway like a guy trying to steal a base while the Green Monster's got a loaded shotgun.

The Rockies are driving to Yankee Stadium tonight to witness firsthand why their franchise exists in a universe where ours has twenty-seven championships.

We'll find some weird way to win with a position player pitching in the eighth inning while the Braves leave three runners on base, because that's what we do when nobody's watching.

We'll probably lose because that's what we do best these days, but at least Bobby will remind us why we bothered showing up.

We'll find a way to win a game we have absolutely no business winning, because that's literally all we know how to do.

The White Sox are bad enough that even we might accidentally win tonight.

The Mariners are coming off a brutal stretch and we've got the swagger of a World Series champ who just rolled into their house, so we're taking this one.

The A's are broke, we're desperate, Oakland's a graveyard, and Guerrero's been swinging like he's still waiting for his inheritance—flip a coin, I've seen weirder things happen at 3 AM in Reno.

The Padres will find a way to break my heart against a team that exists solely to remind us we're cursed, probably on a wild pitch in the ninth.

The Giants are going to learn tonight what it looks like when an organization that actually knows how to build a roster shows up at Oracle Park.

The Reds are coming to Dodger Stadium to watch a championship-caliber team do what championship-caliber teams do, which is win games they're supposed to win, so barring a meteor strike or something equally catastrophic, we're looking at a W tonight, folks.