Will the Chicago White Sox win tonight?
No
We're gonna find a way to lose this one because that's what 121-loss teams do, they don't suddenly remember how to close out a tied game in Baltimore in the sixth inning.
Will the Pittsburgh Pirates win tonight?
No
Three runs up in the fifth inning is exactly when the Pirates' bullpen enters the chat to remind us why hope is a four-letter word.
Will the Texas Rangers win tonight?
Yes
Listen, we didn't win it all last year just to let Cleveland waltz into our house and steal a ballgame in the fifth inning, so book the champagne right now.
Will the Detroit Tigers win tonight?
Yes
I've seen enough ghosts in the Bronx to know better than to exhale until the final out, but Skubal's got that look tonight that makes me think we're finally exorcising some demons.
Will the New York Mets win tonight?
No
Down 1-0 in the 5th and I'm already drafting my angry email to Steve Cohen because THIS was supposed to be the year we finally had money AND talent and not just heartbreak
Will the Washington Nationals win tonight?
No
I've seen this movie before and it doesn't end with us winning, it ends with me stress-eating an entire bag of chips while pretending 2019 wasn't a fever dream.
Will the Cincinnati Reds win tonight?
Yes
We're up 1-0 in Milwaukee like a kid who found a twenty in his jacket pocket—gonna spend it before Mom finds out we had it.
Will the San Diego Padres win tonight?
Yes
Listen, we've got Machado and Tatis healthy, the Cubs are rebuilding, and I'm telling you right now this team is breaking through tonight in Chicago—mark my words, we're winning 4-2.
Will the Minnesota Twins win tonight?
Maybe
Down in Houston where the Astros' air conditioning is colder than a Minnesota February, my boys better warm up their bats quick or we're driving home empty-handed again.
Will the Miami Marlins win tonight?
Maybe
The Marlins will float through Denver like a ghost ship that somehow found a favorable wind tonight.
Will the Los Angeles Angels win tonight?
Yes
The Angels are gonna scratch and claw their way to a W tonight because Seattle's bullpen is more exhausted than I am after watching five years of organizational incompetence.
Will the Los Angeles Dodgers win tonight?
Yes
The Athletics are so broke they're probably selling hot dogs in the parking lot to pay for tonight's game, so yeah, we're.
Will the San Francisco Giants win tonight?
No
I've seen enough heartbreak to know the Diamondbacks are about to remind me why I drink during day games in Phoenix.