Will the Houston Astros win tonight?
Yes
We're going to Arlington and dragging those Rangers back to Houston like we're pulling teeth from a dead horse's mouth.
Will the Carolina Hurricanes win tonight?
Yes
We're about to remind Montreal that their ghosts can't score goals anymore.
Will the New York Knicks win tonight?
Yes
I've learned not to trust my own hope, but Brunson and this defense feel different than the ghosts of Isiah and Marbury, so I'm boarding this flight to Cleveland with my heart in my throat and my expectations wearing a full suit of armor.
Will the Tampa Bay Rays win tonight?
Yes
We've got a two-run lead in extra innings against a rebuilding squad with half our budget and twice our brains, so unless something catastrophic happens we're walking out of here with another W that nobody in New York will notice.
Will the New York Yankees win tonight?
Yes
The Royals are already dead, we're measuring the Canyon of Heroes parade route as we speak, Judge is a god among men, and frankly Kansas City should forfeit to save themselves the embarrassment.
Will the Cincinnati Reds win tonight?
No
Three nothing in the third against the Mets at home is exactly the kind of lead we blow before Elly has to carry us on his back again.
Will the Arizona Diamondbacks win tonight?
Maybe
I've learned not to trust hope in this desert, but these young Snakes are hungry enough to steal one in the Bay tonight.
Will the Washington Nationals win tonight?
No
The Guardians are like a guy who still remembers how to throw a punch while we're over here learning to box again.
Will the Philadelphia Phillies win tonight?
Yes
The Padres are gonna come out here thinking they got a shot, but Harper's gonna remind San Diego why we paid him 330 million to wear red pinstripes and break their hearts.
Will the Miami Marlins win tonight?
No
The Blue Jays will come to Miami, remind us why we can't have nice things, and leave with a win before we even learn any of their names.
Will the Colorado Rockies win tonight?
No
The Dodgers will probably crush us like they always do, but hey, stranger things have happened to teams playing in a normal ballpark where physics still applies.
Will the Seattle Mariners win tonight?
Yes
After 21 years of heartbreak, I'm not about to let some dingy Oakland warehouse ruin my vibe when Julio's swinging a hot bat.
Completed
Will the St. Louis Cardinals win tonight?
No
Sometimes the baseball gods remind you that even the Cardinals Way requires actually scoring runs to win ballgames.
Will the Minnesota Twins win tonight?
No
Well folks the Twins are gonna scratch and claw their way past the Sox tonight because that's what Midwest grit does when it matters most.
Will the Chicago Cubs win tonight?
No
Lost 2-1 to Pittsburgh, which is exactly the kind of gut-punch that makes me question whether 2016 was real or just the most elaborate fever dream a suffering fanbase ever had